phoenix {rising}
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Or will we barter dear for what we have stolen into our skin?
<<2006-02-16 - 12:45 p.m.>>

Ken is gone and my house is silent and I am not going to the class I am auditing today, I am curling up with all the vast quantities of undone work, so much work undone. I will make a list, and I will curl up, and I will begin. I don't know where this came from, this sense of the insular coziness of work. I drink protein shakes in the morning until I get the cozy sense of fullness I have fought to be able to recognize. I did that this morning. I love it. Milk and protein powder and frozen berries. Blend. And my room with the heat on and Megan going to L.A. to visit relatives, everything so quiet, and a poetry assignment, my thesis, a tiny jewelry box sitting by the bedside and I want to take a bath, and when (when when when) did to-do lists become comforting?

Last night Leah in her car after dropping off Ken confessed she and Jake had their first fight, and it's been almost a year, and I looked at her sort of incredulously. We had a shooting discussion on Valentine's day that felt to me more intimate than I love you. Sometimes I think that makes me pathological. I try to remember what the shrink says: that's his way of expressing affection; you have yours. And mine are strange and twisted, are honest criticism with eye contact and John Hughes movies, biting, silence. Leah says she has no sex drive, that she comes home exhausted. (Oh, not me, but I have issues of condensation with which to work.) And Noah called today, telling me it was great to watch my face change from Some asshole is honking at me to recognition and again I'm thinking of all the intersections. After the honest-criticism portion of the evening on Tuesday I felt suddenly sure that I would always think fondly of Ken, always. And for my poetry class I think I have finally figured out how to write about Charlene's death, about what it is that bothers me, its simultaneous detachment and attachment, the way it knit people around her so sharply together while she yanked herself out of the warp and the weft.

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