Two Steps Forward/One Step Back
<<2005-09-25 - 1:25 p.m.>>

Chloë is directing a show for some festival in New York, she's shuttling back and forth: New Haven/New York, splitting her week in half, existing both places, living nowhere; I have three jobs and a thesis and can't stop envisioning the day before Thanksgiving, getting in at 5.48 a.m. and calling to say I'm in, are you up? are you working? can you meet me? will you wake up if I call you from your stoop?; I am so glad that I am grown-up enough happy enough that I can be happy for Chloë going to parties at the Flux Factory and I am happy for her, proud of her; Tuesday is September 27th for the first time since the last time and would I have been any of these things without it?

You are so loveable.

How have I earned this?

But still I am shot through with panic walking to Safeway or flipping through my planner, still when Leah mentions wanting to graduate Phi Beta Kappa I have to plead with her not to mention it often lest I begin to covet something I can't have.

I sat at the new dining room table that I am going to paint lipstick red, into which I am going to stick magazine images, cutting up alternative weeklies so that Ken can get a little bit of a sense of Portland, and my horoscope said something about a new realm of success and remembering how much you have to learn.

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