Negative Capability
<<2005-04-18 - 11:31 p.m.>> I—this—walking up the hill and the lights over the hill and the dandelions, over the art building, the parking lot—I am trying to hold onto whatever this is, not because I think it is significant but because it hurts, subtly, unworldstoppingly—what is this?—can't we be, I asked, open questions? And here's why we try not to be, because walking up hills and thinking about cigarettes, here is the indeterminate ache that I have spent years trying to obliterate. Okay, I try to sing, yes, it hurts. It hurts in a way that does not stop things: I continue up the hill, through the muddy section and across 39th, Road Unimproved and then my driveway, and I have continued, unstopped by vague pain, carrying it with me, present. There is a part of me that deeply resents having to do this, and alone (there is no other way). It hurt in a way I did not understand, and I could not make it stop, and I did not try. << - >> |