phoenix {rising}
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Lovesongs Again
<<2004-12-13 - 12:58 p.m.>>

Chloë is returned, and so we have breakfast at a new place on Eighth Avenue with aggressive ambience and a nice menu, and it is relaxed and I am relaxing, it is not like it was with Nikki a little bit, tight, strained, odd, off. No, Chloë says I seem good, I seem calm, I am talking well and looking good. She says that she thought I was going to back out of going inpatient and that she was going to have to hit me. I say she would have been justified in hitting me.

Together we worry about Nikki. I tell her about our visit, about how Nikki wanted me to compliment her on her weight loss and I could not, how I resented being asked to do something so clearly bad for me.

With Chloë back, I can begin to look at the prospect of returning to my life. My life is not this, eating disorders and therapy and the knowledge that there are unbalanced systems inside of me, strangely pulling tides. My life is much more breakfast and triangulated friendship and doing research before trying Ecstasy and planning a party at which Charades will be played and the ages will span a twelve-year range and talking about the oddness of the fact that truly, it seems likely that Arthur and company will soon be quitting their day jobs to lean back into the risk of making a living off of their art (art, hanging out with your friends in costume and tossing rhymes around). With this in mind, it seems odd that I will go into Renfrew for IOP tonight, and fitting that I am not at all on top of that (I have no check, and absolutely no idea when I am supposed to show up or how it is supposed to work).

I told Chloë that thing I think is true: either way I choose, going back next semester or not, either way will be okay. I will make a choice and deal with it.

And I have Chloë back again.

It makes me think of the tearful voicemail messages I left her from Renfrew—something has to be different. Is something different? Different enough?

The same, the same, we are having breakfast and I come home loved and loving. But I talked better. Felt calmer.

This, then, comes next.

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