Departure
<<2004-06-03 - 2:33 a.m.>>

Everything tumult.

On livejournal, Chloë comments on Annemarie's pictures (Annemarie has gotten terribly skinny but was always that aware of the camera, if you know what I mean)—you are beautiful when caught by surprise and then continues on in a vein that is all the bad things about Annemarie and none of the good things about Chloë and it makes me tcch out loud. Because can't you see, she means to be that way, and sometimes still so do you. And if there is one good thing about me, one precocious thing, it's that I don't do that. I know what (if not who) I am and I don't try to fancy it up. Which means mostly-complete sentences and a certain literal-mindedness.

Today I won at Scrabble and liked myself on the subway.

Tomorrow breakfast early early with Eleanor, packing, prescriptions, phone calls, laundry, then two shows back-to-back (Avenue Q with my family, then Freestyle Love Supreme, those strange silly boys and how all of a sudden my high school community is back in force) and afterwards, and all that.

Today something really sad happened, in the sense of losing something (someone), except not, except so, and it's one of those situations where I don't know what to feel or what to say, except "I love you so much" and "I'm so grateful" and those got choked into tiny tinny phrases that didn't quite get there.

The other day on the street some guys were breakdancing, and there was a boy whose shoulderblades reminded me of John and all of a sudden I was pendulous and bright with the extreme physicality of missing him and how hard he always tried to make me smile.

I'm nervous about going to Berlin.

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