phoenix {rising}
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Unpanicked Time
<<2003-11-12 - 9:55 p.m.>>

This evening while I was supposed to be watching "Ridicule" with my Hum conference, I sat in front of a false fire throwing off real warmth I tried not to cry with too much volume and I stared at my shoes and I said um and I don't know and I guess and I think all far too much and I tried to say other things too, quietly, things of substance.

Claire was awfully kind, cancelled plans and let me pause and meander but never shut down, lighten the mood but never change the subject. Pulled no punches about telling me how my interiority makes her feel.

To be honest, I have not given enough thought to how this affects the people who care about me. Nikki and Chloë are both currently irritated and concerned, I know.

I need more time. Unpanicked time.

Last night at the Crystal Ballroom I stood still and mouthed the words to and cried as the Indigo Girls sang "Power of Two," because lately any safe haven is nothing but a chance to break down.

Last night, though I did not know it, a teacher at my sister's very small very close-knit school was killed in a car crash and apparently she has been trying to reach me all day to confirm that all has not been somehow shaken loose, that I am still in Oregon and still safe and still coming home for Thanksgiving. Which I am.

Tomorrow there will be an hour of quiet time in which tears, if properly tempered, are not an aberration. I am grateful for my Thursday afternoon basement support group. And Friday I will see Angelina and there will be an hour all my own.

I want Zibby to come home. Really a lot. I don't know quite when she gets back.

But tonight is the first time in weeks that I stop and look and find no panic in my gut.

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