Gone Batfuck Crazy, Hopefully Temporarily
<<2003-10-10 - 10:28 p.m.>>

And I was worried about Claire but she was fine and having a lovely time out drinking glamorously with Marlene, so it turned out I was stupid for worrying, stupid for thinking that maybe she needed me, stupid for (in fact) posting this knowing that she will read it and feel compelled to react somehow and goddamn fucking stupid.

For the first time in weeks, upon reading her blog entry about a lovely afternoon of enigmatic conversation, I had the bitter wistfulness back, the irrational mantra: If I were thin... (If I were thin what? Someone would have invited me out this evening? I wouldn't procrastinate? My efforts to defend would not manage to backfire?)

And also an anger.

It's the second time I've freaked out in this particular way, though. Last time I was sleep-deprived and on Ritalin, and this time I am (much, much less) sleep-deprived and hungry (more on this later). I don't know if it's a physical thing, or if I just, every now and again, freak.

But I was so worried. (Idiot.) And at the same time I was useless and unnecessary and unwanted and don't feel bad for me, just (prickle) leave me alone. Not you. In general.

It must have been projection, though, all the worrying. The sense of what would I do in that situation? took over and obscured what someone else would do, which is develop pictures, be alone until casual friends come along, be fine.

And then come the riders that always come, the things that creep in along next to the actual relevance: and Max will never write back and you were so stupid to send that snarky little email to Will this morning and God can't you even get this fucking anthro assignment done in all these hours you've procrastinated you could have written three of them and Charlene's been so nice and there will be nobody home when I go home or I don't want there to be.

Frustrated, confused, and perhaps just hungry. I've got a lightheaded, headachey feeling, and it might have something to do with the fact that I've been up for fourteen hours now and eaten what FitDay estimates to be 328 calories. That is approximately twenty-five calories per waking hour. And that? Is not enough.

Don't tell, but I like it. (And don't worry, it won't last. It never does.)

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