phoenix {rising}
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Baby, You Know I Play That Way
<<2003-10-02 - 12:14 p.m.>>

Last night I went downtown and all but the end of the evening, walking from Powell's to the bus stop, was unsatisfactory. There were too many people who cramp me. Fury & Tim & Jay & Lizard were popping around imposing themselves on the space, and I was trying to sink into it, and the two do not mix. They left, but the Powell's coffee shop was too well-lit, and coffee shops in Portland often close early, and I'd already spent money and eaten food and thus didn't want to go to a restaurant. I walked toward the bus stop, past the Benson where my mother will stay when she comes to visit on the 17th, and across Broadway, which seems to be the only place that you can get that lights-down-the-avenue effect, and thought

I want the city to eat me alive—baby, you know I play that way.

Naturally, I do not know what this means, but I missed New York and counted the weeks until Thanksgiving. Maybe that's the way I play. Wanting to be just a little bit more cohered than I am. Feeling just a little arhythmic, wanting to smoothe out the disjunction.

In my planner on yesterday's page I have WRITE MOIRA! scrawled in big capitals, which is funny because yesterday Moira wrote me. The first thing she said is that she's been missing me, which makes me stop, furrow my eyebrows at the screen, go back, try it again. And when it still says I've been missing you recently... I give up and do not know quite what to think. Because I've been missing her recently, too, and if we miss each other than that means that we are friends, and fancy that.

She says she is serious about us living together in Germany this summer, and with that I could not be more pleased. I will present myself to some worthwhile student services office and see what they can do to help me.

I have developed a tendency to walk into offices and say something along the lines of, "I have a problem. What can you do about it?"

When I confronted the computer labs today I saw Kara through the window of one of them and went into the other, and I do not know quite why that is. Maybe that's just the way I play.

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