Contagion
<<2003-04-23 - 11:29 p.m.>>

I had to get up. I thought I might vomit. There's a panic roiling in the pit of my stomach. My stomach is a pit again. Bottomless.

Ugly girl in the mirror can't stop ripping away at her face.

How dare she?

My instinct is to scrap people and start over again. Cut them loose. Sever ties, go racing away across the country maybe, never see any of them ever again, cut them loose, how dare they?

Scrap it, scrap it, Goddammit.

I want to give up on them. Give up on all of them. The no-fester policy can't help me tonight, not when talking about it (confronting, What the hell is going on?) means coming clean, confessing that I, needy and nosy, cannot help but invade, invade, invade.

Two days ago, in the online-diary-she-doesn't-know-I-know-about, Kara said:

Mollie, on the other hand, I have not seen for fiveish days, and am only starting to miss her a little now. There are badfeelings towards her in my room, and I need to deal with them, because I will be living with her next year, but I am expecting it to be difficult and exhausting, and am just not looking forward to it in general. Damn. Damn damn damn.

And how dare she?

(Knew I'd get burned eventually.)

"There are badfeelings towards her in my room"? Oh exalted group contagion. No attribution. An ether of negativity. Nobody's fault. Take no responsibility.

And seriously—I'm difficult to live with? I have to say, I've been concerned about living with Kara for some time now. I think because she's extremely emotionally high-maintenance. Of course, yes, over the past couple of days (week...?) I have been doing my own fairly good impression of the objectionable behavior, but she hadn't seen me during this period, so I still object on principle.

And look. You can hear it already. I have already killed the fury and the panic that were burning away. Sat at the computer screen. Stared. Let emotion die.

I don't know which way is better. Or worse, I suppose.

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