phoenix {rising}
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A Soft Place
<<2003-03-30 - 7:53 p.m.>>

And when I left the room there was a balmy afternoon outside, warm and dusky and beautiful. There were people playing volleyball on the front lawn, and Kara and Miriam eating dinner nearby calling me over. So I went and sat with them, and people were calling to each other and playing the harmonica and there was the smack of hands against volleyball, and there were birds singing, and the air smelled like summer, and it was all very idyllic.

And then Miriam and I went to get me some dinner, and ran into people—Gina, Megan, Fury—and we sat outside and ate as it got dark, talking about Drag Ball and Gene and Hum papers and nothing in particular, and it was safe and friendly. I used to say "Give me a soft place," and this feels close to what I meant.

Soft and safe and friendly and mine.

And on my way out of my dorm, I'd been struck with a sudden and strikingly conclusive "I want a year off," but then I realize that I love it here and things seem more complicated.

Maybe it's not reasonable to expect myself to be an academic superstar just yet, or even to know how to follow the rules. I cut myself slack for interpersonal stuff sometimes, remind myself that hey, I missed out on a lot of formative life-stuff while I was wandering my dazed way through high school, and it's okay to let myself catch up. Maybe I should apply that to my academic performance as well. Maybe I could give that a try.

A soft place.

And I'm doing this cute little experiment in which I eat whatever the hell I want. Yesterday I ate this whole Healthy Breakfast, an orange and Cheerios with skim milk before I realized that it wasn't what I wanted, which was why I wasn't satisfied. What I wanted was Chex Mix. And Diet Coke. Cans. Two of them. So I went to the bookstore and bought a big bag of Chex Mix and two cans of Diet Coke. Came back to my room. Ingested. Was satisfied. Didn't continue to feel that restless, grazing feeling.

So I tried it today, and though I didn't have any specific food desires in advance, I ate whatever struck my fancy. Some of Miriam's cheese fries. An ice cream bar. And when I decided to do all the calculations, the day turned out surprisingly well. About 1600 calories, 65 grams of fat, 150 grams of carbohydrates, 100 grams of protein. "Well" in the sense of normal and balanced and tasty, and I do feel satisfied.

Very, very interesting.

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