Trajectory
<<2003-03-29 - 9:13 a.m.>>

Speaking of papers and lateness, I spoke to my Gender & History professor yesterday—purely by chance, I ran into her en route to turning in my physics problem set—and didn't melt down or anything, but sort of explained that the more invested and obsessed and guilty I get, the harder it becomes...and she basically told me to put all that aside, not worry about it, just treat "the end of next week" like the original deadline. I'll try. I want this done with. I assured her that it's not that I'm genuinely incapable of writing a paper...it's just that I get so anxious. God, God, God. I want to never do this again. I hate it.

And I'm still tossing the idea of a year off around.

But: better than last time. This time I was talking about it. I didn't just disappear for a month. And that's better, right?

It doesn't feel better.

Rowen's going to be studying in France next year. She just up and decided to go to France. In the space of a couple of days.

I don't make decisions like that.

I am looking at the Iowa Writers' Workshop application and getting stressed.

Slow down, slow down.

I always do this, I stress and stress and stress and paralyze myself and sabotage myself.

All I want is to be wonderful...

But see, right now I'm thinking about graduate school not as an educational opportunity, but as a reflection of my merit. And that's not the way to go. And my life doesn't have to be this trajectory, Point A to Point B in as little time as possible, high school college graduate school with no time in between. Just because Max wants me to go to Yale Law with him doesn't mean I have to. Doesn't mean he'll still want me to in three years.

Dammit, relax.

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