phoenix {rising}
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Day Off
<<2003-03-27 - 4:02 p.m.>>

Today I took the day off. My morning class was cancelled, and my afternoon class was the tempestuous Gender & History, for which I had done neither the reading nor my paper, in a fit of general paralysis, and I took the day off. Decided beforehand that I was not going to class, and that I was not going to feel guilty. There's a certain theory that lets me hope that maybe this repudiation of guilt will ease my paralysis, but that is not why I did it.

We will see what happens.

Claire and I did laundry and headed on up the Woodstock hill for an off-campus jaunt consisting of a Safeway run and lunch. A thorough produce run, soup, light salad dressing so I don't have to obsess about the Commons dressing anymore, turkey slices—and then abducting a shopping cart and down the hill with it via hot dogs at a sidewalk sandwich grill. All very convivial, whee.

My day. Mine. To do with as I please. Grr.

I just feel like I've been really tightly wound the past couple of weeks. Very dichotomous thinking. Good/bad. Yes/no. Right/wrong.

Shh, relax.

I want to be soothed.

And maybe what I'm most angry at John about is that he took that away from me, the sense that there was someone who could hold me and make me feel loved and cared for and safe. Even after last Monday night, I was still feeling safe with him, but after the way he handled the rest of the week, I'm not so sure. He's not so stable anymore. Not so safe. I don't know.

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