The Sun Sets and He Appears
<<2003-03-10 - 1:30 a.m.>>

I've been missing him for the past month. Fiercely. I remember being at that party last weekend and dancing with Miriam and having a good time, but every time I sat down, I started missing John. And so I'd get up again and start dancing, just to shake him out of my head, but as soon as I sat down again—there he was.

I called this afternoon. Left a message on his voicemail. Told him I miss him, told him I'd be in the city next week. He sent me an e-mail that said I could call tonight, and at first I was all indignant, all "Gee, thanks, I'm allowed to call," and then I realized that his tone just never comes out right in e-mails. So I called.

It wasn't the best conversation we've ever had. But it was John. And he broke up with his girlfriend! He's single. He's very single. And hating it. He doesn't really do single.

And while I sort of felt it on the tip of my tongue, the "You should really be with me," it felt less—I don't know, less frantic, maybe? Less exciting? I don't know.

Oh, God, please tell me I didn't just do an "If he's available, I'm not interested" thing.

And "oh, God" again, because I just realized something. I feel safe with him. Of course. He asked me why I liked talking to him, and I said something lame about the fact that he listens, which he does, but that's not it. It's that I feel safe with him. I don't feel safe with just anyone; I so rarely feel safe at all. And I feel safe with him. That's it.

Now I just have to find some way to tell him.

Now I am picturing myself flying toward New York. Only six days away. Flying towards John.

And now I have that feeling back, the safe-excited feeling, the feeling of all the things I could be which is only made possible by a certain acceptance of all the things I already am.

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