Toes in the Water
<<2003-02-24 - 11:53 p.m.>>

Hum paper, check. Physics labs, check. I'm catching up, it's going to be okay. I'm not turning into me, circa junior year. Breathe. Breathe. It's going to be fine.

I'm in something of a strange limbo right now. I feel better. I feel more alert, more connected, and definitely more on top of things. On the other hand, my eating is still playing its pernicious high-fat, low-protein games, and I do not seem to be exerting energy in the interest of stopping it.

On a related note, my jawbone. It has been quite evidently present today. My hair was up in a bun, and I looked in the mirror, and hey, look, there's my jawbone. Who knew?

Ooh, look, my neck, too.

It is (I say for the eight hundredth time in recent memory) an uneasy limbo. I am not totally in myself; I'm not totally out of myself. It's like having my toes in the water, but sitting on the edge of the pool. Sometimes when I feel, it doesn't feel real. It's a thin, stretched kind of feeling.

But this weekend was truly not fun. Not even a little fun. It was like I was just passing time, and when I think of all the time I'd have to pass if I spent my whole life like that, just passing time, just letting obligations and opportunities slosh and slither around me and away as I sit like a lump in my own brand of quicksand, waiting for the minutes to go by, one at a time, trying and trying to retreat from time into the blankest nothing I can possibly find for myself...that's not a life.

I said to Zibby this morning that no wonder it felt like waking up. It was like waking up. Like waking up or coming alive, and once you've been alive it's no good trying to be not alive anymore.

Today was another beautiful day. God, when the sky is that blue over that huge sprawl of green lawn, when there are people lying in the grass reading their books...

I have to try, and I'm kind of scared to. I have to reinvest myself, rededicate myself.

Zibby says that she thinks I'm scared to let myself rest. Could I just let myself rest for awhile, just stay here?

(It's not a question with an answer.)

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