Out of the Character Ballpark
<<2003-02-14 - 11:59 p.m.>>

I just did something totally out of character. Way, way, way out of character. Like, out of the character ballpark.

Random hookup.

I come from the Goddard screening with Eddie and Hum conference compatriots, and I'm sitting in Winch and perching on the edge of a couch and the guy who's sitting there says "You can sit, you know," and I quip about how I'm easing my way into the staying-there thing (take note: I was actually wondering if my ass was too big to fit in the available space), and then Miriam comes and sits there. But before she gets there, this guy offers me a beer, and I'm sipping (Pabst. Yuck.) and he's laughing and his hand is creeping closer to mine and then it's on mine and he's rubbing my hand and I have long since realized that he's flirting with me and I'm a little turned on but mostly it's just that someone is flirting with me, and that just never happens, I'm always imagining it, but I wasn't imagining it.

And soon we were kissing. Right there on the couch in the Winch common room in public and in front of "When Harry Met Sally."

Welcome to kissing the male gender. Before tonight, I'd only kissed girls.

And his arm was around me and I leaned in against him and then we kissed some more and then he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere else, and I didn't really, I didn't want to deal with it, but I said yes, sure, in a bit, but he took that to mean then, and I got up and followed him anyway.

And Tim said goodnight to me as I left, which made me feel shitty.

But he'd asked me where I lived and I'd told him, and we seemed to be headed in the direction of my dorm, where I definitely did not want to go, and we ended up lying in the damp grass on the lawn and kissing some more, and his hand slid up under my shirt and I was lying on my back, staring up at the fuzzy moon, almost full.

And what am I supposed to learn from this?

He wanted to come upstairs. Really a lot. And I didn't want him to. He said, "even if there's no sex, I don't want to fall asleep alone tonight." And I thought of the thoughts I had awhile ago about waking up next to John, and how nice that would be.

I can't stop thinking about John. I want to call him and tell him to make it better. I want him to kiss me in a way that's not just drunken bumbling.

God, I'm so fucking easy. That was the thing with Steffi, too. She liked me. And I was just so thrilled that someone liked me.

But I was kind of cool, that was the thing. I was making little jokes and smiling a pretty, flirty smile. He really wanted to come upstairs. I really, really didn't want him to, and the more he pushed the more I knew I didn't want to.

Idle thought: how many girls have sex just to go along with it?

But I do feel kind of dirty.

And maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should take this and go, "okay. I did that." Own it. I don't know.

I guess it's not a very big deal.

But for me, sexuality is a big deal. It felt flattish, somehow. Just physical sensation. God, I didn't even know his name until we were outside.

I want to call John. But he's probably with Morgan. Valentine's Day and all.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

I should shrug it off, right?

I should remember that my first kiss was lovely and perfect and very sweet. This doesn't matter.

I sent Tim an email. I want to talk to Tim. Or Megan. And I'd go back to the Winch common room if I could be sure that Josh wouldn't be there.

It sort of makes me feel more alone. Hardly romance.

What to make of this?

I guess there's the standard explanation, the "I was lonely and have low self-esteem and he was there and drunk and flirting with me" explanation. I guess there's the "I tried something and I don't care what you think" explanation.

I want John. How's that for explanation?

I wonder if kissing is better when it's with someone you love. I wish I remembered better what kissing Chloë was like.

I don't feel different. Should I? Probably not. Random hookups don't change people, do they?

Why did I do this?

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