In Which Life Goes On and I Complain About Intellectual Laziness
<<2003-02-06 - 10:54 p.m.>>

Had a meeting with previously-discussed professor today. He compliments me too much. I don't know why I think it's too much, it's not like I don't like being told about my bright future and my graceful writing, because believe me, I do—I suck it up like a greedy little sponge, and it makes me adore him—but...there's always a "but." I don't know. Ridiculous.

We talked about my paper, which he hadn't liked. He explained why. He was right. I relied heavily on two analogies that I'd never fully explained, the writing was vague and unspecific...it was lax. But I'm glad I can see it was lax, it makes me feel better.

Intellectual laziness just drives me up the walls. Randall Robinson lectured last night, and he was just brilliant. He's a fantastic speaker—rich, sonorous voice; friendly and elegant and eloquent—just amazing. Anyhow, he talked about the idea of reparations—something that I've not quite been able to synthesize as an issue (note to self: read The Debt). And I went back to the triplets' room with Rowen after and was sitting in my lecture afterglow when Kara and Miriam (who hadn't gone) asked me how it had been. I said it'd been wonderful, and they asked why, and I started to tell them—and as soon as I said "reparations," I could feel them click into place. Reparations. Giving checks to black people. Bad.

And ew. Yes, I qualified it so that they knew what I was talking about. And then I was snappish and contrary when they commented that he shouldn't call his concept "reparations," because of the stigma attached to the word. And now, I can see their point more clearly—if one is truly interested in productive discourse, one will phrase one's arguments in the way that best allows their meaning to be deduced—but then I was contrary and angry: why should the ignorant intellectual laziness of people who don't bother to find out what a concept is actually about be allowed to steal a perfectly legitimate word? And the two have not yet folded themselves together into coherence. But that's not the point.

The point is that they're the kind of people who refuse to call themselves feminists because of "feminazis," which is a word that I hate beyond belief and don't use. They've never read any feminist literature. Not even the modern stuff.

It's lazy, and it upsets me.

And yesterday someone told me that she wasn't responsible for the rhythm of her poem because she's a free verse poet and doesn't count syllables.

And it makes me feel better that I can recognize intellectual laziness in myself when it occurs, because it means that when I'm not aware of it, there's less of a chance that it's actually there.

I don't want to be intellectually lazy.

After the stonily aborted conversation with Kara and Miriam, I overheard a conversation about the lecture progressing in the hallway—Derek and school-John and Gordan and Sarah, people I'm friendly but not intimate with, and I crept out and joined that one and enjoyed it immensely. It was curious and sprawling and investigative, it was honest and openminded and it professed its limits. And it made me feel so much better about my situation: myself and my ability to participate in such a conversation, my school in its capacity for collecting people spontaneously capable of such a conversation, etc.

Eddie said that he thinks people are not complete without some kind of intellectual inquiry, some interest in figuring things out.

Works for me.

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