Maybe
<<2003-01-29 - 11:32 p.m.>>

Now it's a big crush.

I'm kind of hoping that maybe it's just a very temporary big crush and that by Friday I'll be able to concentrate in Physics lecture even though it's right after Hum conference.

Today I kept lapsing into periods of daydream and having to elbow Rowen to ask her what I'd just missed.

Then again, I like the feeling of having a crush, even if it's a stupid, unattainable crush. There's a certain unique charm to being swoony and giggly and acting like I'm fourteen.

Then again, it is stupid and unattainable, and it's distracting.

Then again...

The thing is, I just want to be able to form normal intimate relationships. I'm almost twenty. I'd like a sex life. I'd like to not conceive of sexual attachment as something apart from me. Even when I was sexually attached, I didn't feel connected to it.

I remember kissing Steffi in the park. It felt good, absolutely, but I felt locked inside my own head. It was a kiss, dammit, it should be a merging. It should represent a connection.

There was only me.

And sure, granted, Steffi was crazy ("It's like someone would have to be crazy to be attracted to me!" I yowled to Chloë), but still. Even before I knew she was crazy, I was shut tight and alone.

She wrote a song about me. She told me I was beautiful and that she wanted to sleep with me. I should have cared.

It just scared me.

I looked in the mirror today and saw a difference—not just a difference in my face, but an overall difference, my whole body looking smaller, like Zibby said. And I thought maybe.

Maybe someone wouldn't have to be crazy. Maybe.

<< - >>