Fosca, Age Fourteen (Emotional Years)
<<2003-01-13 - 12:27 a.m.>>

But first? John, of course.

He says that really, he's not even friends with Chloe anymore. They didn't see each other over vacation.

He refers to my "cute little Mollie smile."

Oh God, this is not good.

Why?

Because I am scared of being in love. This is new and exciting and frightening. Exciting. Frightening. Exciting.

Indecisive much?

I was talking to him on the phone at school, and he was talking about his appreciation for phone sex, and I was all of a sudden attracted to him -- suddenly attuned to my limbs, extremities, my molecules.

(As I mentioned to Chloe & Nikki, I feel like I'm fourteen, just waking up to myself as a sexual being -- and here I am, perhaps.)

Anyhow. He has a girlfriend. Her name is Morgan. She writes screenplays; he read me some of one and I suddenly felt compelled to send him poems.

I am sort of frightened by the fact that I don't care. If I could gather my courage to kiss him, I would kiss him without the slightest qualm about Morgan's feelings, or even his feelings.

I should give him Vox. Would it seem provocative? And do I care? He teases, he does. I remember his velvet disclaimers during the phone-sex discussion, his "I don't mean this the way it's going to sound..." -- but it did sound that way, and he knew it would.

It's funny because I think of myself as sexually timid, but he makes me feel like I could just grab him and kiss him. Maybe even sometime soon. Could kiss him on the mouth instead of the cheek to say goodbye.

It's a clue, I suppose, an inkling of my sexual potential. I could be a woman with a twinkle in my eye and a cocky little smile. I could be a fat woman with a twinkle in my eye and a cocky little smile.

Maybe.

And sometimes it just terrifies me.

I have this feeling that things will turn out right, Morgan notwithstanding. I have this weird blind faith that one day John will wake up to the prospect of me.

He pursues girls who need to be saved. Needy girls, troubled girls, emotionally closed girls.

I do not need to be saved (not anymore).

He was just so blown away when I cut into his discussion of Morgan to mention this tendency of his.

And on the phone the other night, he was suddenly vehement -- he said he'd hurt me if it would help keep me safe in future (this after I relayed my latest incident of being approached by a Random Guy on the street, my inability to just stonily ignore people and walk on by) -- and I responded with what I've been thinking for days, that I want to be hurt, I want to leap and fall.

Someone please break my heart. I want to know that I can risk it.

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