After a Lag
<<2003-01-11 - 11:14 p.m.>>

I sobbed through therapy on Tuesday, straight through -- that feeling that there is a lifetime of tears. I realized the other day that while I've always been able to turn emotion off, I can turn it on, too. It's like the tears are there, just waiting. Always there.

Anyhow, I cried for an hour and then I met Chloe at Old Navy and promptly shut down. I bit down and clenched up and shut tight. Oh, and ate everything in sight.

The last few days have been strung so tightly, and my mouth has been clamped shut so firmly (except, of course, for the eating bit), and I am at loose ends and people are leaving and have left and I have not seen them or said goodbye, I have not answered private messages on the TF, I have not written. I have let the thoughts and phrases spring up, bloom, die, recycle themselves into the hungry sucking chasm of my brain.

Starting to come alive again? Maybe. Maybe not. I've spent a great deal of time talking to Chloe and Nikki over the past couple of days. Said some new things. Heard some new things.

Still feel numb.

And when I continue to write, I will be rehashing things I have thought and said. The moment is a blank. I'm running on ritual.

I want to go back to school, but I want it in a thin, dull way. It is so hard to want things here. I overintellectualize, and I justify, and I analyze, and dear God, I just want to want something. But I don't even want that.

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